Drabbles are for Commoners
by Kaloneko
Summary: This is an incredibly silly series of drabbles based on the characters from OHSHC and on the literary genius that is badficniverse. Each chapter will have multiple short stories, mostly written as a parody. Some of these drabbles contain adult language or themes. This is meant by no means to be taken seriously, but it will be hilarious. Characters act both in and out of character.
1. Chapter 1

Did anyone ask for this? No. Does anyone deserve this? Probably not. But here it is anyways, a completely crack series of Ouran Highschool Host Club drabbles. This series is somewhat based on the hilarious crack fiction Steven Universe blog badficniverse on tumblr (seriously go check this shit out it'll make your day) I'm posting a few separate drabbles each chapter for easier reading rather than have each chapter be only a few sentences long, I hate those. Anyways enjoy the ride, this story aint drugs but it sure is one hell of a trip.

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Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead

"Tamaki what are you doing?" asked Kyoya, not taking his eyes off his laptop screen.

"Um…nothing-I MEAN I DRopped my…pencil! Yeah I uh, it rolled under your chair!" said the blond from in between his spectacled-friend's legs.

Kyoya peered under the table and raised his eyebrow. "Uh-huh. Well find it quickly so we can resume club activities," he said, oblivious of twins who were carefully stringing a noose around his neck.

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Tamaki has Vision Problems

"Honey, I'm hooome!" blurted Tamaki as he slammed open the doors to the club room.

"Tamaki-senpai, what are you doing with that wild coyote?" asked Haruhi nervously.

"Why my sweet daughter I have no idea what you are talking about! I just got back from picking up my dear Antoinette from the groomers! By the way, has anyone seen my shoes-"

The coyote leapt at Tamaki and ate his face.

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Enough is Enough

"Mori-senpai help!" cried Haruhi as Tamaki spun her around for the eightieth time that day. Mori placed her on his broad shoulders and jumped out the window. Together they flew off into the distance.

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Bratty Seme

"No no NO! This doesn't add up! By every logical calculation there is no way this makes any sense!" exclaimed Kyoya, throwing papers into the air.

"Uh…Kyoya…you okay there buddy?" asked Tamaki hesitantly as he stared at his friend who was waist-deep in a pile of fanfictions.

"Kaoru's literally being fucked by his own brother and people still think I would be uke! DO I LOOK LIKE IM OKAY?!"

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Dirty Coffee

"I'm sorry Kyoya-senpai, but all of the shops were out of instant coffee. I picked this up instead, I figured it would be a nice treat for the customers. Do you think Tamaki-senpai will be upset?" Haruhi asked, holding up a container of instant chocolate milk mix.

"Oh please. It's brown powder, I doubt he'll be able to tell the difference. You could hand him actual dirt and he probably wouldn't notice." Suddenly Kyoya's hands stopped typing. He rose from his seat in front of his computer and quickly walked off. "Excuse me for a moment I have to do something."

Tamaki's not allowed on the internet anymore

"HA! GAAAAAAAAAAY!" shouted Tamaki as he stepped between the twins during their brotherly love act.

"Tama-chan, why are you talking funny?" asked Honey.

"U MAD BRO?" he grinned.

"It seems Tamaki has, much to my horror, discovered outdated memes," sighed Kyoya. "Now I can't get him to stop talking like this."

"You don't say?!" said Tamaki sarcastically as his face became Nicholas Cage.

"Well I wish he would cut it out," said an annoyed Hikaru. "He sounds like an idiot and it's giving me a headache."

"THIS IS SPARTA!" screamed Tamaki as he kicked Hikaru through a window.

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The Closest Bros

"Hey guys, have you seen Tamaki-senpai or Kyoya-senpai around? I haven't been able to find them all day," said Haruhi.

"Well wherever they are they're probably together," began Hikaru,

"Yeah, I wouldn't bother them Haruhi, they're probably off having some bro time," finished Kaoru.

"Bro time?"

"Why yes young naïve Haruhi. You see, the special relationship between bros requires a careful balance of-"

Haruhi had a feeling she would be stuck here for a while.

Meanwhile in the supply closet…

Kyoya, overhearing the conversation, leaned over Tamaki, his sweat dripping down onto his face as he lay motionless and balls-deep in the blond.

"…..So, bro-"

"Tamaki I swear to god not now!"


	2. Chapter 2

World Domination Simulator

"You just landed on my Railroad. With the addition of the other three, Tamaki you now owe me $8000. But it looks like you're all out of money, shame. Well I guess that means you're out of the game," smiled Kyoya.

Tamaki sulked as he handed his remaining Monopoly money to his spectacled friend.

"Wow Kyo-chan, you're really good at this game!" remarked Honey, whose money was also being slowly drained into the hands of his kohai.

"Well of course. It's only natural that the son of one of the best businessmen in the country would be adept at this childish yet strategic game of property trade. Besides, this is only mere practice until I can really put my skills to the test and inevitably buy out all your companies from underneath you, thus securing me one step closer to total world domination."

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In Which Mori is Edible

AU where Mori is replaced with a stale piece of white bread. Everything stays pretty much the same actually.

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AS&M

"Hey Haruhi!"

"Check out these awesome videos we made for Youtube!" cried the twins.

Haruhi watched the video, though it showed nothing but a blank screen. The only audio was strange, heavy breathing, coupled with muffled laughter from one of the twins in the background.

"Guys what the fuck."

"It's called ASMR!"

"Yeah, apparently loads of people love to listen to these sounds for relaxation of whatever. Like heavy breathing or scratching your head or smacking your lips. It's crazy!" Kaoru laughed.

"Holy shit look at this comment, ' u should record the sounds of u guys fukin'. It's got— good god, 217 likes, and it's by…'silentgiant'. Hm," said Hikaru.

"Guys, that's Mori-senpai's username," said Haruhi.

Mori sweatdropped in the background before sprinting out the room with Honey in his arms.

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What Mommy Says Goes

"But Mommyyy!" whined Tamaki.

"No."

"Pleeeaaase!"

"No."

"But whyyy!?"

"Because I said no."

"But Kyoya you don't understaaaand!"

"I understand that I said no. You really should too."

"B-but…"

"Um, Kyoya-senpai?," asked Haruhi, "may I ask just what you two are arguing about?"

"You know I'm not really sure, we've been at this for two and a half hours and by now I've completely forgotten what it is he wanted in the first place. But if I said no the first time then I'm not changing my mind about whatever it is."

Alternate ending:

"I just wanted to ask if it would be okay if I used the bathroom before the guests got here but now they've all left and I still really have to pee!"

"Oh that's right…. No."

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After School Play Time

"Hey Honey-senpai," asked one of the club's usual guests, "where's Usa-chan? Didn't you bring him today?"

"Oh yeah!" replied the blond. "He's taking a nap in my backpack!"

"How do you manage to fit your bunny in your backpack with all of your books senpai?" asked another girl.

"Oh that's easy! I let Takashi carry my books until I need them for class! That way I can carry Usa-chan and other fun toys to play with Takashi after school!"

"Awwww!" That's so cute!" exclaimed the girls.

 _'Oh yeah, you think it's cute now…'_ thought a certain pink bunny from inside the depths of the tiny senior's backpack. _'You try being the one shoved between a pile of candy wrappers and giant pink dildo…'_

 _._

Guessing Game

"Um... It's… *gasp* A UNICORN! You're a unicorn!" shouted Honey.

Kaoru shook his head but stayed silent. He went through the motions again, only to be met with more failed guesses.

"A tigershark!" shouted Tamaki.

"An ice cream cone?" guessed Haruhi.

"The existential realization of inevitable death?" asked Mori.

Kaoru smacked his forehead and decided to try a new tactic. He reminded the group of their hints by holding up five fingers and motioning that he was acting out a song. He slid between Hikaru and Haruhi, gave them each a peck on the cheek in quick succession, and then fell dramatically back into the middle of the floor, making a hand heart over his chest.

"Ooh ooh I think I got it this time!" shouted Tamaki. "What you're acting out is…."

Drum beats flooded the room from somewhere. Everyone jumped out of their seats in unison and began to sing.  
"KISS KISS FALL IN LOVE!"

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Crossing to the Dark Side

"Mori-senpai! The door!" shouted Tamaki, but it was too late. The mindless, moaning crowd had already broken through their defenses and were approaching at a maddeningly slow pace. There was nothing else the hosts could do.

"I dunno man, it's just the way I was raised," moaned one of the beings from the depths of the writhing bodies.

"It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," drawled another, shuffling closer.

Haruhi shivered and moved behind Tamaki. "What's wrong with them?"

"I'm afraid they've crossed over to the dark side," said the blond bleakly.

Suddenly, one lurched from the nearing crowd and grabbed Kaoru by the ankle, dragging him into the throng.

"Hikaru HELP-"

"KAORU!"

"No Hikaru! It's too late, they've already taken him," said Tamaki as he held Hikaru back from rushing into the crowd.

The Hosts were being backed into the corner of the club room, when from the horde of bodies fell Kaoru onto his knees. He slowly stood with a glazed and unfocused expression.

"It's…not…like I have anything against it… Some of my best friends are homos. As long as…like, they don't hit on me."

"No…Kaoru…" wept Hikaru. "What have they done to him?"

"He's gone Hikaru," said Kyoya solemnly, "He's gone. They've turned him into…a heterosexual."


	3. Chapter 3

A Trip to the Dollar Store

"Haruhi I don't think I follow," said Tamaki with a befuddled expression.

"Senpai its not that hard to understand. Everything in this store only costs a dollar."

"Everything?"

"Everything."

"And how much is a dollar?"

"It's four quarters, or equal to a hundred cents."

"…Aaand what's a cent again?"

"Never mind. All you need to know is that everything in this store is about as cheap as you can get it."

"Alrighty then Haruhi, so tell me, what do you commoners call this strange item here? It's so….lumpy

…and wrinkly, and it smells like mayonnaise-"

"Senpai that's the cashier."

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A Tamaki Left to His Own Fantasies is a Danger to Everyone

"Uh…boss-" said Hikaru.

"Quiet! You'll ruin the effect!" shouted Tamaki.

"But I have more than a few questions about this…" said Hikaru hesitantly from under a frilly pink dress that was too short for his liking.

"Yeah boss," chimed Kaoru, "We know you're upset about Haruhi going away to visit her relatives for a week, but it has only been two days."

"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm not upset in the least!" he proclaimed, slapping a short brown wig onto the head of Hikaru.

Hikaru had had enough. "That's it, I'm outta here."

"No Haruhi! I mean Haruhi! I mean HIKARU come back to daddy!"

The twins slammed the door behind them, leaving Tamaki to sulk alone.

"Well, that leaves me with only one other option… OH KYOOOYAAA!~"

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Nappuku

"Honey senpai!"

"Mitskuni!"

"Honey senpai, get down from there!"

"NO! I've finally decided this world isn't worth living in anymore," said the diminutive senior from the top of a cliff that overlooked a sharp, rocky patch in the ocean, possibly the only thing that could actually kill him. "There's no reason why I shouldn't just end it all." A single tear slipped down his cheek.

"Senpai, you're being ridiculous," called Haruhi, "you can't do this every time you don't feel like taking a nap.

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Thick Creamy Goodness

"Mmm…Mnh!- Tamaki, not so hard! I can't fit all of that in my mouth," said Kyoya, wiping white sticky creaminess from his face.

"Sorry Kyo, you know I have trouble controlling myself," winked Tamaki as he filled Kyoya's mouth once again. Kyoya sucked on the length and licked the cream coming out the tip, before it was shoved to the back of his throat once again.

"T-Tama- *cough* *cough*" Kyoya choked and sat back, glaring at Tamaki as he sipped his cup of tea to clear his throat. "Tamaki, if you're going to keep doing this every time we eat eclairs together I'm going to stop staying after club hours."

"Fiiine," whined Tamaki. "Let's get this mess cleaned up so we can go have sex."

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Heartbreaker

When Kaoru walked into the bedroom he shared with his brother, he was surprised to find all the lights off and music blaring from a corner beside the bed. He was just barely able to make out the sounds of whimpering and rustling over the music.

"Hikaru?" Kaoru called as he approached the source of the music. "Hikaru I know you're in there, you're the only one in this house that listens to Slipknot. He found the light switch and the room was illuminated. He crouched next to his brother, who was busy applying black lipstick to match what remained of his mascara that hadn't already run down his face with his tears.

Kaoru sighed. "Did Haruhi reject you again?"

Hikaru didn't respond, but another tear streamed down his face and dripped a black spot on the floor.

"Do you want me to go make you some cocoa?"

"….c-can you use the mini m-marshmallows?" he whimpered.

Kaoru patted his back. "Sure buddy"

A Trip to the Dollar Store 2

"So…. Let me get this straight."

"Tamaki-senpai we've been over this fourteen times already-"

"You're telling me…that _everything_ in this store only costs a dollar?"

"For the fifteenth time, yes, senpai," sighed Haruhi.

Tamaki giggled and hopped in place for a moment before speeding off to the other end of the store. Haruhi took the opportunity of peace and quiet to get some shopping done. Moments later she saw Tamaki approaching the check-out desk with a mountain of items.

"-And I'll need one of these, and two of those, and-ooh I bet Antoinette would love this! And a couple of these and-" Tamaki paused as he caught Haruhi in his sights, before running up to her, picking her up and setting her on the conveyer belt. "And one of these!"


	4. Chapter 4

Tamaki speaks in squeaks

Haruhi walks into the Host club to see the twins cracking up in the corner, and a very flustered Tamaki surrounded by ladies. His face was sweaty and he moved his hands much more than usual, however all that was heard were odd inhalations of air. The surrounding girls laughed.

Haruhi: Why does Tamaki-senpai sound like a squeaky toy?

Kyoya: According to his vague miming, his play time with Antoinette got a little rough and he ended up inhaling the squeaker from the toy.

Haruhi: Oh no, us he going to be ok?

Kyoya: Hard to say. Though its hilarious to see him attempt to flirt with girls this way.

As Tamaki rolled through his Princely routine and leaned in to give one of the girls a kiss on the cheek, the moment was ruined by the sounds of a screaming rubber chicken.

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Monster Preparation

"Guys what are you doing?" asked a very confused Tamaki.

"Oh hey boss," said Kaoru, "Hikaru's getting ready to ram this gourd up my ass. You ready brother?"

"Ready!" called his twin who took a few steps back to get a running start.

"Um….why?" asked Tamaki concernedly.

"How else am I gonna prepare for Hikaru's monster dong to penetrate my sensitive starfish later tonight? Let 'er rip bro!"

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The Pungent Stench of Friendship

"Hey, does anyone know how long Mori-senpai has been sitting there? He's been staring out the window for a long time," said Haruhi.

"Oh, I dunno," said Hikaru.

"About three days? Maybe four?" asked Kaoru.

"Wait what?! How has nobody noticed? There could be something wrong with him!" Haruhi ran over to go check on her friend before she was stopped by Honey.

"Oh there's nothing wrong Haru-chan! Takashi's been sitting that way because he died while staring out the window! He asked me not to move him so it would be like he never left. Pretty cool right?"

Haruhi fainted. In his notebook Kyoya jotted down to buy smelling salts as well as more Febreeze.

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Unconventional Pleasures

"C'mon baby~" panted Tamaki, "One more time for daddy, you know how much I love that little thing you do." He licked his lips in anticipation as he sprawled over a dark couch in a dimly lit room.

"Ugh," sighed a deep voice that reverberated from the high ceiling, "You know I can't resist you when you look at me like that. Fine, but this is the last time." Suddenly the candles that lined the walls burst to life as their flames illuminated the room for a brief moment, before dulling themselves just enough to create sharp shadows on the walls.

A tall blond boy threw back his hood to reveal sparkling blue eyes to the candlelight.

"I've missed you, Nekozowa-senpai," said Tamaki.

"I know," said the occult-loving boy kindly. He held up his hands and Tamaki shuddered as a grin stretched its way onto his face. He hated pretending to be terrified of Nekozowa-senpai, even if he had been in the beginning. But now, Tamaki has seen a whole new side of Nekozowa that his friends just wouldn't understand. Nekozowa cleared his throat.

*Ahem ahem* "Now ladies and gentlemen," began Nekozowa in a high squeaky voice, "Let the show begin! Act 4 Scene 28: Ms Pickles visits the bakery."

Nekozowa made rabbit ears with his left hand and held it against the candle light, casting a bunny shadow on the wall. In his right hand he held a toy fish, whose shadow resembled more of a lump than a herring.

"Hello there Ms. Pickles, would you like some freshly-baked cupcakes?" he said, continuing the silly voice.

Tamaki bounced in his seat and clapped his hands excitedly. He loved his special time with Nekozowa.


	5. Chapter 5

Are cannibalistic fetishes incest?

Kaoru wakes up to find Hikaru deep throating his arm, yet sadly this was not the first time.

"Did you have that vore dream again?"

Hikaru blinked at him, "Yeah sure let's go with that." He said, making no attempt to spit out his brother's arm that was now engulfed to the elbow.

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President Mori 2K16

Honey: Good news everyone! Takashi is running for president

Tamaki: But I'm already the host club president!

Honey: Not for the club silly, for the country! His campaign slogan is already a big hit!

Honey holds up a red and blue poster with Mori's face on it. Below it simply says "Yeah." A cheering crowd gathers outside the window.

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Confusion

The twins stood on opposite ends of the club room, knees bent, arms out, and fingers pointed as straight as their sexuality.

Tamaki: Just what are these jokers doing now?

The twins ignored him and began to waddle closer together, both chanting the iconic phrase:

"FUUUUUUUUU…..

"SIIIIOOOOOON…..

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

There was a flash of light and a gust of wind from an unknown location. Standing in the place of the twins was a single being that looked….well exactly the same, but with downward swept bangs and was close to 9 feet tall. They had done it. Together they formed the Mega-twin.

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We all have that one friend

"So this is a character of my own design~" said Renge holding up a drawing of a poorly scribbled anime boy and shoving it in the face of an unwilling Haruhi.

"His name is Haruno Darkwind and he is exactly 6 feet 11 inches tall, he has long dark hair with blue streaks and his eyes are a beautiful shade of blue-green but his left eye is completely gold! He's a loner in his high school despite being on the basketball team, swim team, track team, as well as theatre arts and dance club and in his free time he donates to charities and finds homes for stray kittens but also MURDERS PEOPLE WHO GET IN HIS WAY! He has a dark past and a rough childhood and he even ran away from home once and joined a magic gang which is how he got his powers of teleportation and flight, but eventually he realizes the true meaning of friendship and moral integrity and he stops all the bad guys! I'm even working on a character au where he finds a magical crystal that turns him into a pony/crystal gem hybrid where he has to save the world from a darkness that's bent on destroying everything! But with his magical gun-sword-shuriken-laser he'll be able to battle it off just before he dies in the hands of his loved one! But of course that's just one au idea I've got tooons more, in one story he…."

Haruhi felt her soul slowly slip from her body begging for the sweet release of death.

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Muryokuna Shoujo Morinozuka-kun

Mori was walking down the street on his way to meet up at Honey's house when a girl he recognized from the host club ran up to him.

"Oh my God! Mori-senpai it's you!" screeched the girl.

 _Here we go…_ thought the senior, believing the girl to be one of his fans and eager to talk to him outside club hours. The girl began speaking loudly and quickly while flailing her arms, and Mori decided it was too early for this. He quickly blocked out most of the girl's rant and reached into the messenger bag he was carrying while the girl rattled on.

"…and the entire building caught FIRE! We got my cousin out but we need someone strong to lift the door to grab the dog who's still trapped inside, and the fire department won't be here for another ten minutes, so when I saw you I knew I HAD to-"

Mori silenced the girl by giving her a piece of paper.

On it was written "Stay in school beautiful ;) " with his signature at the bottom. Mori turned and walked away, leaving the girl very confused.

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I know this chapter is shorter than usual, I'll get to writing more but it might take a while because college is a thing. Yes I am an adult in college with nothing better to do with my time than to write shitty parody fanfiction. My Friday nights are awesome. If any of you guys have any silly suggestions for a drabble I'd love to hear them, if not then enjoy the stories anyway. I'll continue to upload more, whenever I get around to it.

Edit: Added another drabble to this one, any new drabbles may take awhile since my computer fried and I lost everything on it, including more writing ideas. But hey, if you're enjoying this train wreck don't be afraid to leave a comment telling me what you think!


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